


Smoochstuck

by Patches_the_Moonsidian



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Earth C (Homestuck), Multi, Smooching
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27972059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patches_the_Moonsidian/pseuds/Patches_the_Moonsidian
Summary: The MSPA Reader experiences something a great many of us eventually are plagued with: a hankering for affection. Will they get to have passionate sloppy Reader/Character makeouts like they deserve? Short answer: Yeah.  Basically a Pesterquest style set of kinda oneshots about dating Homestuck characters :B
Relationships: MS Paint Adventures Reader & Everyone
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	1. Prologue

You are... waiting. You, the MSPA Reader, are waiting. You are not sure what you are waiting for, but you sure are waiting. You recently have finished reading Homestuck and the epilogues, and thought they were... ok. Not great, but you wouldn't write a very long rant post on Chittr, or anything (not that you know what that is right now.) You have also come into contact with Retcon Powers, but you aren't sure what to retcon. You have lost your memory of all your previously made friends on Alternia (though you don't know what any of that means, either). You... have wanted to do something with Homestuck, though. 

A while ago you looked up other stuff about Homestuck on your computer, and it was... interesting. It... DID things to your nether regions, of which you have none. But if you DID have any, you are sure there would be a hypothetical stirring in the old hypothetical loins. Fan artists really know how to make the main characters incredibly attractive. Of course, most of them just give the characters massive honkers (not even excluding the clowns, which feels a bit redundant), so it's not like you can't see why.

You feel a sort of... emptiness, in you. Where once seemed to be a burning passion to make friends within anything in sight, now is a hole where you couldn't really care less. However, something remains even in the ashes (the ashes are in the hole. Analogy saved). Looking at... let's face it, porn, of these beloved characters has allowed that ash to thrive, flicker, and...

->Thirst for friendship: Level up.

Your THIRST FOR FRIENDSHIP skyrockets up the imaginary echeladder. It surpasses every level all the way to the top. Even past HUNGER FOR FRIENDSHIP, YEARNING FOR FRIENDSHIP, and PINING FOR FRIENDSHIP. It has become something spectacular. Something new. Something even more ridiculous than whatever the hell it was before. It has become a THIRST FOR LOVE. Or, at the very least, some affection. +3 to Clinginess, +2 to Blushiness, and +4 to Bravery! You are going to need it.

You aren't, and never will be, picky about who this comes from. You've been all in and out of Alternia and paradox space itself, and not once have you come across someone and thought "I don't want to get to know this person". At the very most, you've had some apprehension sometimes, but there will always be outliers. The point is, you are hankering for some affection, and by the will of the Green Sun you are going to get it.

...How you're going to get that, is far beyond you. You have a great many friends, but you're not sure whether or not any of them are ready to move from the FRIENDZONE you've heard so much about on anime message boards to the KISSINGZONE. That is kind of a hard bridge to cross, and it is possible that in trying to cross the bridge you will burn it. Not to mention the fact that any form of rejection would kill you anyways. You are weak when it comes to other people.

But... you still must try. Now that you are at this level of intimacy cravings, you can't just roll over and NOT get kissed. However...

Almost all of your friends, John, Karkat, Aradia, even Kanaya, mature as she is, are a little young to be snogging the way you like. Luckily, with your READER POWERS you are able to move time up, about to when they have JUST won their game and gotten to Earth C, for easy reference. You will also make sure to add characters that are not present in canon, such as Terezi from her search in the void for Vriska, or Nepeta and Tavros from the realms of irrelevancy. It is so much easier to kiss people who are relevant. Their lips almost feel real.

You question whether or not to bring Dancestors back, or whether or not you wish to kiss the guardians. Perhaps at a later date, when you have gotten through most of the other kissable people, you will move onto them as extra gravy. Perhaps as paid DLC, requiring the AO3 READER to pay to be able to see your exploits. You will make bank, and be able to PAY for people to kiss you. Glorious.

->Worry that this is a ridiculous idea.

Yes, that crosses your mind too. Is going around, using your retconning powers to rush forward in time, and moving from place to place just to smooch some random dorks who played a video game a good idea?

Uh, duh??? Next question.

->What kind of... kissing?

Whatever the other party is comfortable with. You can do with a real passionate hate makeout, or perhaps just a peck on the lips. You would PREFER a makeout, but you are desperate and therefore are not picky. You can understand that some people are simply not comfortable with going all in on a total stranger. You can't imagine NOT doing that, but you can understand. 

->Is this going to be weird?

Oh yes.

->May people outside this perceivable realm make suggestions as to which character they want next?

Of course! You will always (or at least attempt to) appease any and all requests, perhaps even going back to characters already smooched to continue the romantic endeavor. Really, you just wish to spread some love around, like the nice sexy person you obviously are.

->Get on with it.

Rude.

You close your eyes. Focusing. You think of the most romantic things you can. Hearts, Spades. Hand holding, wistful gazes. Whispers of sweet nothings, and pails. Pails... pails.... you get stuck a little on the pail part. That internet has ruined you. You keep your eyes closed tight, until you can feel the light envelop you. You think to yourself how you wish to insert yourself into this reality, how badly you wish to be there. How badly you wish to SMOOCH. And that is enough.

You open your eyes, slowly and with a tiny hint of fear that you will just end up looking at that green mansion room again. But instead your eyes are hit with sunlight. You shield your face for a bit, adjusting to colors that aren't green. You look around. You are here. Where the story ended, and your new one, begins.

->Begin Smoochstuck.


	2. Doggone Dog's Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade's Smoochstuck chapter. It'll be a walk in the park!

-> Decide which person to seek.

Pretending to not have read the chapter title, you ponder which person you're going to try and approach romantically. Perhaps characters that are already pretty deep in relationships should be saved for a later time. You're quite rusty in the lovin' department, and you're not even sure if you're ready to approach homewrecking yet.

So someone single, naturally. Perhaps John, or Roxy? John is an adorable dork, and Roxy is an adorable dork that flirts like her life depends on it. You can't lose. Of course you're pretty sure that John is depressed right now, and you don't know how you'd find Roxy. You suppose you'll just have to walk around until you see someone who looks important.

You walk to what seems to be a small park, with a fountain in the center. Many other people appear to be here with dates, or at least some kind of companion. You wonder if your strong will for romantic affection has started to affect the world you entered, but just before you can even think about the ramifications of your horniness, you see someone recognizable.

She sits underneath a tree, relaxed and peaceful. A few rays of sun hit her face through the leaves, creating a glare on her glasses that almost hide her eyes. She's smiling seemingly contentedly, her buck teeth jutting from under her top lip. Her dog ears wiggle and twitch at the sounds around her, as if she were searching for a companion herself. Her tail swishes back and forth, in anticipation of who that companion might be.

It's everyone's favorite (and only???) dog girl, Jade! 

She currently is playing catch with... herself. She's just tossing the ball straight up and catching it in her hand. Every so often she looks across the field, like she's about to throw it, but she stops herself. It's kind of a sad sight, if you're being honest. Perhaps after playing catch with her, she will want to play catch with your face! Meaning... She's the ball?? Or, you're the ball? Either way, you walk toward her, keeping your eye on the prize. You mean, the ball. 

->Approach Jade

You sidle up towards Jade, as smooth as you possibly can. At the very least, you aim for the tree she sits under. You planned on doing the old "lean and whistle unsuspiciously until you are noticed", but are quickly startled when she turns to you and squeals "Oh!!! Hiii!!!" At you.

You must have looked scared to death, because her ears droop after a bit.

"aw, jeez... im so sorry! i didnt mean to scare you. i was just..." She trails off, somehow looking even sadder than before. "nevermind, im sorry." She turns to look at the field again.

Well now you feel just awful. You try to explain that you simply had not expected Jade to be so earnest toward you. You are used to people either not acknowledging you whatsoever or trying to get you to do things for them in exchange for friendship. She whips back to looking at you, and starts to scowl.

"that's so awful! im sorry that people just... take advantage of you like that.."

You never really gave it much thought. The end result of friendship usually justified the means. Still, you appreciate the sentiment. You won't turn down niceness from a cute girl.

Now Jade is... Staring at you, possibly studying your face. She may be checking you out, but also could be looking for flaws. You're such a stick figure that you can't really worry too much about her outright disliking anything about you. You are designed to be easy to read and lovable, after all.

She looks down on the ground next to her, then back to you, beckoning you to join her in this admittedly beautiful day. You could not sit down faster if you tried. 

->Sit next to Jade

You sit cross-legged next to her, and she leans her head on your shoulder a lot faster than you expected. You suppose it makes sense, someone raised on an island by a God Dog probably isn't used to boundaries for affection. Not that you're complaining.

"if someone did that to me... id probably shoot them, hehe :B" Was not the next thing you thought she'd say, but it sure was said, though you suppose Jade's intensity was something you always found endearing. You ask if she ever HAS had to deal with something like that when she was young, seeing as she grew up alone on an island. You don't mention the island part, since that would also get you shot for being weird. She sighs.

She goes on to say "well... no, not really when i was young. where i... lived. i had a sort of protector, like a guardian angel! he made sure i was almost never in danger... or almost never off the island..." Upon mentioning this guardian, her perky expression from before gets lost in the sadness of reminiscing. She looks more like she's talking about a friend who has long passed, and when you look up at her ears, you again remember why. You never thought too much about Bec's whereabouts once Jade went Dog Tier in Cascade, you mostly were in absolute awe that Jade's situation was even a thing that could happen. Thinking about it, it's a little messed up that Jade both lost her good dog, best friend, and IS her good dog, best friend. As a guardian, he was doomed from the start, but that doesn't make any of the kids' loss any less depressing.

On occasion, Jade settles her head more and more onto your shoulder, until eventually she starts... smelling you. You hear a few sniffs below you as you think about how sad Andrew Hussie made these kids and it breaks you out of your internal monologue. You notice you're staring at her with that shock face again. Look, you love affection, its the reason you came here. But no one could have expected to be smelled so shamelessly. Jade lifts her head up abruptly, blushing like mad.

She tosses out a bunch of apologies, mostly entailing how she cannot control her animal impulses to smell and eat everything. You simply tell her that you were, once again, simply caught off guard. You don't... say you like being smelled??? Because that would be super strange to say to another person??? But you tell her that her dog-isms were always kind of endearing, briefly forgetting that you're supposed to be a stranger to her. Luckily, she's too busy trying to regain composure to notice. "i promise i, uh, didnt mean anything by that. its just a thing i do sometimes to get acquainted with people, uhm..." she mutters. 

->Offer your smell, and by extension your acquaintanceship 

Well, you are all about getting acquainted with people. You suppose you could lend your scent to make that happen. Maybe you'll smell nice enough to earn a smooch.

"oh, okay!! ive never been ASKED to smell someone before :B" you hear her giggle shortly after your offer. Her mood seems to have changed completely, now that she knows its ok to act on doggy instincts. 

She gets right to it, rapidly moving her head all over your body in order to get a proper read on you. At one point she gets very close and touches you, which tickles you a bit. You end up chuckling a little every time she does that, and she giggles in response, ending in another apology. You get a feeling she's doing it on purpose, because it happens more than once and she keeps her smile all throughout. It's a weird experience you'll admit, but if this is how it's done then... when in Rome.

When she's done she closes her eyes and takes a deep sigh, as if to catalogue your Main Character smell in her brain. When she opens them again and looks at you, there's a certain warmth to them. The warmth of familiarity.

"That's it! All done! Hehehe :D"

Her tail is wagging, likely because she's made a new friend and her weird hybrid brain has finally recognized that. Despite the fact that she very clearly has dog parts to her, you never really knew she'd be SO dog like. You wonder if the pressure to create a new universe made her suppress doggy instincts more than often, and now that they're in a more calm environment, she can relax more. You can kind of see some Bec in there, and are now compelled to give her a steak. You resist the urge to do so.

"hey, you're right! even if bec is... uh..." she trails off, thankfully not wondering how you're aware of what a Bec is. "...gone, i still have parts of him in me. which is super weird, but :B whatre you gonna do. most of my friends cant even say that much when it comes to their guardians..."

You didn't expect her to take so well to being reminded of Bec again. Jade was never really one to dwell on sadness, though. 

She laughs a little. "sorry, that was so fucking cheesy <:B i think ive watches so many romcoms with Karkat im starting to solve my problems with cute strangers. watch out, we might fall in love!!"

You pretend to not know who that is, and focus on how she said you were a cute stranger. That's the nicest kind of stranger you've been called yet.

She goes a little pink. "yeah... cute stranger... :)'' It's the most adorable shit you've ever seen, and you would like to pat her head, but that might be taken as condescending. When you notice that you're blushing pretty hard yourself, you quickly point to her tennis ball and offer to play catch. She stands up almost immediately, full of excitement.

You spend the afternoon doing just that. You toss the ball across the field as far as you can (which is not very far) and she practically flies to get it. Sometimes she literally flies, and grabs it right out of the air. You tease and say that that's cheating, to which she simply accuses you of being jealous (which you are). Each time she runs to return the ball, she gets a little closer to you before stopping and giving it back. Each time she runs off to catch it, you catch her looking back at you to see if you're still there. 

After the sun has gone down a bit, she puts the ball in her pocket, done for the day. She seemed to have worked up quite a sweat. 

She grabs your hands, beaming. "thank you for playing with me today. i had so much fun! :D i havent had that much fun in such a long time!!!" 

Oh no, you never got your smooch! You were so caught up in bonding and grieving over lost friends that you forgot to ask! And now she's saying things people say when hangout time is over! Aaaa!!!

She suddenly moves in for the kill. She wraps her arms around you and kisses you, almost too fast for it to register. She leans into you earnestly, and you can feel her smile on your own lips. She rubs her hands on your back, doubling as an apology for the 3rd surprise today and a slow comfort into you returning the kiss. You do, and you try and lean into her just as much. You're both trying to get as close as you can to the other person, and you feel like you're doing a pretty good job. Eventually as you get more comfortable, she puts her hand on your neck, and lowers her other hand further down your back in provocation. She doesn't mean anything by it yet, you think. 

When you pull back, Jade is still giving you that warm gaze she's been giving you the whole day. She's panting a little, and her tail is moving so fast it's basically a blur. She gets up close again, and you expect to start snogging once again, but...

*SLLRRP*

She licks your cheek. You are left shaking in shock. 4th time today. You must be rusty.

"hehehe, sorry, i had to! doggy instincts! :P" she laughs out, wiping off the area where she licked. At least you know for sure that she likes you.

"do you want me to walk you home? i dont want you wandering around when it gets late..."

You "neglect" to mention that you don't, uh, really have a home. You simply bid Jade a good evening.

"wait! do you have a pesterchum handle? i think i wanna hang out with you again! :D" she blurts before you can leave. You're still a little dizzy from the smooch, so you hadn't thought to get her number, or number equivalent. You surprisingly DO have a Handle, though... you'll have to get something to actually use it. And probably a place for you to sleep, and what you're going to eat. You know, the little things. 

Jade enters your Pesterchum Handle, and goes to leave for home. You... walk in a random direction until you're sure she can't see you. And then you jump for joy.

\-- SMOOCH ACHIEVED!!! WOOF WOOF! --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thank you for reading my story! I hope you liked it! :D Like I said in my story desc, I'll try to update this every week or so. Any and all critiques are welcome! Don't be shy, this is my fanfiction story thing. I kinda expect it to be bad :B


	3. A Walking Caprisun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya's Smoochstuck Chapter. Thirsty?

->Wander aimlessly in the night

Eventually it gets incredibly dark, almost so dark that you cannot see. You would expect street lamps to guide you on your way well enough, and you would be wrong. Due to the fact that trolls are used to lights being incredibly bright at night, and the fact that humans are not, street lamps are dreadfully dim as some sort of compromise. You sure wish you retconned yourself a flashlight, or something. Unfortunately, you would not be able to use it anyways. You do not have the corresponding strife deck. Remember those? Me neither.

Soon you are just some poor fool fumbling around in the shadows, without a direction or even really a goal in mind. You suppose the best you can hope for is a surface that isn't the floor that would be comfortable to lie down on. Perhaps a park bench? You're a little worried you're far, far off from the park by now, but losing hope never helped anyone.

Eventually, while patting what seems to be a turned over stump in what seems to be the forest, you spot a glow in the distance. It is harsh and powerful, easily dwarfing the street lamps by comparison. Like a moth, you wish to move towards it.

->Move toward the light

Yes, yes... it is so oddly comforting, really. And not just because you have spent the last hour or so barely being able to see anything and fearing being shanked and/or mugged. The glow seems almost inviting. Almost. You are still a little wary, since this could be a trap set up on purpose to trick smucks like you into waltzing into the woods alone and getting your kidneys harvested. Well, you DO have two of them. If some stranger would like one of them in exchange for some physical intimacy, or something, then who are you to deny them that?

Eventually, you walk into a small clearing of the woods where a cozy cabin lies. The glow is even harsher now that the trees aren't blocking it, and you have to shield your eyes while you adjust. Your rustling seems to have alerted the homeowner, because the light promptly goes out. Your eyes, having just adjusted to the bright light, punish you thoroughly by suddenly striking you with blindness again once it is dark again. You hear a small "Oh Dear." whispered, seemingly to no one. 

"Uh, Hello, Human. So Great That You're Here At My House Right Now. Why Is That, By The Way?" she continues. Her voice is very airy, and she has some kind of fancy accent... you wish you could hear her talk about nothing for a long time, possibly over tea, or some other stereotypical British beverage. She sounds a little awkward, though you don't really blame her for that. She's right, you did kind of just slide your way into her little pocket of home unannounced, all because you thought something shiny was here.

You still cannot see and so simply talk into the direction of the voice, saying that you saw a bright light and thought to investigate. You were not having a very busy night, after all. You have enough time for kisses as you do for investigating supernovas. 

The voice giggles a bit at that. "Yes, I Suppose This Is A Bit On Me As Well. When You Are A Supernova It Is Hard To Not Bring Attention To Oneself. In My Defense, I Just Needed A Better Light To See My Work." she replies. Your interest is piqued! You are talking, and attempting to woo, a real life stellar explosion! Truly you are an open minded and loving person.

->Walk towards the voice

Your eyes start to adjust to the after-adjusting and you can see basic shapes now. Blobs of color begin to form little by little and you can see that the cabin now has regular lights around it, likely to not blind you further from prolonged exposure. A figure sits on the porch underneath them, rocking back and forth on a bench hung from an awning. Have you stumbled onto an old lady's house? Your eyes begin to focus, and put the shapes under more scrutiny.

->Kanaya, be seen

"Well It Would Appear That Your Eyes Have Become Less Squinty And Your Pupils Have Dilated. I Take It You Can See Me More Clearly Now?" Yes indeed you can. You see that the lone cabin figure is Kanaya Maryam, the rainbow-drinking jadeblood. She sits on a rocking bench peacefully, knitting what seems to be a patchwork quilt. Her clothes are rather cozy, likely because tonight is a bit chilly. Luckily your body is good at ignoring pain and temperature decreases.

She smiles very warmly at you, which makes you melt a little inside. Kanaya doesn't stop working on her quilt all the while, and seems to put her hands and arms on autopilot while she greets her trespasser. Perhaps you have a special magical magnetism that surpasses the feeling for reaching for the phone and calling the police. 

"It Is A Nice Night For A Walk, I Suppose. For The Record If You Are Looking To Be In Solitude, I Think That You Are Doing It Wrong." she says without missing a beat, giggling shortly after. You want to admit that you were not going on a night walk, but a forever walk, as you have no home. Unfortunately homelessness is not a desirable trait in kissing partners yet. One day. You agree with Kanaya that it is a nice, brisk winter night. Upon mentioning the season, one of Kanaya's eyebrows raise. "And Yet, You Are Out In The Woods, Wearing Almost Nothing, In The Dead Of Night, In Winter?" she inquires, in a tone of voice reminiscent of a concerned mother. It makes you feel a bit guilty, actually. How dare you not wear a coat at this time of year?? You could get sick! 

She sets down her quilt, and starts to get up. "Please Wait Here. I Will Return Shortly." she says, going back inside. You stay right where you were, without moving a muscle. It really is a nice night out. The sky is dotted with random clusters of stars, with nary a cloud in sight. You hope to smooch someone under the soft moonlight tonight. Maybe Kanaya would like to? She seems to have already taken a liking to you. 

A little while later, she returns with a sweater. You expected it to be something homemade, but it's actually something a bit more store-bought. It still looks nice, of course, and you appreciate it all the same. Kanaya starts doing something with it, messing around with it as if she were going to put it on you herself. She realizes midway that you are old enough to do that yourself, which is only now self evident, and just hands it to you. She turns around curtly to sit back down on her chair, and you can see some green on her cheeks. You decide not to mention it, but she does.

"I'm Ah, Sorry. When I'm In The Brooding Caverns It Is Kind Of Mandatory That We Clothe The Wrigglers. I Guess It Is Just A Sort Of Habit." she says nervously, now only looking down at her quilt. You thank her for the sweater, still opting to not mention what she almost did. No big deal, right? Suddenly she catches on to what you're doing, and seemingly gets more embarrassed because of her lateness. "Yes! You Are Welcome! It's Not My Nicest Sweater But You Are A Stranger, After All. I Don't Think I Should Just Give Away My Nicest Articles Of Clothing To People Whose Name I Don't Even Know." she remarks, which seems like she sounds interested to know your name. You introduce yourself a bit more formally, this time.

Kanaya introduces herself just as, if not more formally. She asks you a bit about yourself, like where you're from and what you like to do. The real answer would be that you are spaceless, timeless, and your only interest that you can remember is Homestuck, the story that she is in. Instead, you make up something about being from this timeline and having a keen interest in video games, webcomics, and webcomics about video games. Technically, you aren't lying.

Kanaya laughs a little, and says that she is glad to know that you are of this reality. Talking to her feels kind of like you're talking to someone way more mature, and kind of out of your league. She's like a cool kid that denies being a cool kid, and lets her coolness show on its own. It's hard to NOT be romantically interested.

->Resist the urge to ask Kanaya if she's seeing anyone

Surprisingly, you resist the urge to be forward and instead ask her why she decided to live alone in the woods in a cabin. "Well, I Just Thought It Would Be Nice To Live In The Woods. It's... Very Freeing." You think that you agree, living out closer to nature must be very liberating, especially when large white animal-chimeras or even larger drones can't threaten to kill you, like on Alternia. Honestly it must be a bit odd for the OG trolls to adjust to a more peaceful planet-

"Wow, That Is A Lie. A Really Stupid Lie. I'm Sorry."

Woah, uh, well then why DID she move out here?

"I Don't Know. I Think I Just Got Used To Living Alone, Away From All Of My Friends And Companions For So Long I Sort Of Miss It. So I Sequestered Myself Into The Deep Dark Forest To Try And Get That Feeling Of Familiarity Again." she answers. Wow, it was a lot easier to get her to talk about her life than you thought. Then again, she lives all alone out here in the woods. Even for a fairly asocial/aggressive race like trolls, living isolated from people and being unable to talk to them in person must mean you bottle a lot of things up. To get comfortable you sit on the steps that lead up to her porch.

Kanaya continues musing. "Though, I Also Think That, Maybe I Liked Being The Eccentric Troll In My Youth. I Was Very Into Fashion And Being In The Sun (which Was Quite Deadly On My Original Planet), Which Were Not Normal For Trollkind. But..." she falters. She takes a moment to think about what to say next, and in her thoughts she notices you sitting on the steps. She pats the seat next to her, inviting you to get closer to her. 

->Take a seat

"Don't Get Me Wrong. I Love Humans And Their Weird Funny Sarcastic Quips And How Much They Obsess Over Fashion And How Not-murderous They Are Most Of The Time. But It's All So New To Me That I Cant Help But Miss Being The Special Weird Rainbow-drinker Obsessed Troll Girl That All My Friends Went To For Help." She pauses. "Though We Never Had Therapy On Alternia... It's Good That Some Of My Friends Are Getting The Help That They Need." Then she sighs. "Even If That Help Doesn't Require Me In The Picture."

It gets you down quite a bit. Hearing this Sylph of Space, a person seemingly destined to be unappreciated, miss being needed and special. Troll society needed people like Kanaya to make sure no one killed each other. Now, in a world where things like that are much less common, she feels a little useless.

Kanaya finally looks up from her quilt, and widens her eyes at you. "Yes, Exactly! I Spent So Long Auspisticizing For Everyone Else, Now That We... Made It... I Don't Know What Else To Do But Shut Myself Off And Worry About My Own Dumb Little Things." 

Is that... a bad thing?

"Hm?"

Well, from what you've heard (from both her experience in the comic which you wont mention and just generally what you understand from the ashen quadrant), auspitistizing is hard, arduous work. It requires an astounding amount of restraint and emotional labor. Maybe... now that they're in a world without needing someone to stop the violence so often, focusing on herself is a good thing. 

"I Still Feel Like I WANT To Help People Like That Though. It Is Kind Of Not Easy To Just Get With The Times."

And nobody said it would be. But maybe focusing on what you used to be, and how much you miss that, will only stunt your growth now. She'll never grow out of being dependent on others being dependent if that's all she thinks about, and everything she does revolves around her doing what she did in the past.

She stops knitting, puts her hands down, and stares down at them. "I Think... That Sounds Hard As Fuck."

She's not wrong about that. Adjusting to change can be hard and terrifying. But if you stay stuck in the past you could end up-

"Like Some Crazy Vampire Living Alone In The Woods Who Never Talks To Anyone?" she finishes for you, smiling. She laughs a little after saying it, as if her own words finally sunk in. You agree, solemnly. "Don't Feel Too Bad With Agreeing With That, It's True. I Could Do With The Whole Cottagecore Lifestyle Where I Knit All Day And Lovingly Kiss My- Uh..." she trails off before looking at you. 

She quickly looks away. "Well, Lovingly Kiss My Lover, If I Had One. Which I Don't." You think you are getting some hints from her, but you are not entirely sure. 

She fixes her hair a little. "Anyhow, I COULD Do With A Situation Resembling That But I Think That The Only Thing Cloistering Myself Away From My Friends Would Do Is Hurt Me." When she says it out loud like that, it sounds a little obvious. Kanaya agrees. 

"Thank You For Listening To Me For So Long. I Didn't Mean To Go Off Like That, But It Is Not Unnatural For Me To Do So. I Guess If You Wanted To Keep Hanging Out It Would Be Good To Know That."

You could do with someone who talks way more than you. Talking often leads to you sharing your ideas, which leads to people not wanting to kiss you. A tragedy, I know. Kanaya smiles a little more at hearing that you want to see her again.

"Say... Could I Have Some Of Your Blood?" she asks sheepishly. You weren't ready for... anyone to ask something like that, even a vampire. You like, JUST met. And you like your blood. 

"I Know, I Know. And I'm Sorry. Talking About Being A Rainbowdrinker/Vampire Tends To Make Me Hungry And I Thought We Had Reached A Level Of Emotional And Mental Intimacy Where Asking That Was Okay." She is lucky you're kind of a horny weirdo anyways. 

->Offer your blood

You agree to allow Kanaya to feed for just a bit. As an exchange for sharing her deepest darkest insecurities to this adorable stranger. Kanaya lights up, literally, at the prospect of tasting blood once more. Luckily she seems to be able to control it, and its a lot dimmer than the supernova from before.

Kanaya scooches closer to you, and moves the collar of your sweater. She starts moving her hands around your neck, appearing to be looking for a good spot to start... drinking.

Eventually she settles on a spot, and moves her mouth closer to your neck. You can feel her breathing on it, and it makes you shiver a little. It's warmth is only further highlighted by the cold night. You look over to her and she's staring at it. She's... psyching herself up. You ask if she's ok.

"Yes I'm Fine. It's Just Been A While And..." her cheeks go green. "You Make Me Very, Ah... Hungry. Your Blood Smells Good, Is What I Mean! I'm A Little Worried That I'll Take It Too Far. Are You Sure You Trust Me?" Yes, you are sure. You're the protagonist after all. If you die, the story's over.

Kanaya nods and moves even closer, and starts licking your neck. You could argue that that's just how she prepares for this, sure. But then she starts sneaking in neck kisses and that seems less necessary. She giggled a little after she realized your shock. "Sorry, I've Always Wanted To Do That." she admits, though she doesn't sound very sorry. After a few more dubiously necessary smooches she starts to nibble, and then she bites. 

She punctures your neck skin, though it only seems to feel like a pinch. After that her licking becomes even more vigorous, as she begins lapping up the blood slowly leaking out. After a while she puts her whole mouth on your neck and begins gently drinking from it. She grips your sweater lightly to make sure you don't move. You feel both lightheaded from the bloodloss, but also like you don't entirely hate this. This feels really intimate, and you are counting it as the smooch for this chapter. 

When she realizes you are starting to space out, she pulls back. You hated it. The area her mouth was on takes a second to transition from her heat to the cold outside air. You shiver again, and Kanaya wipes her mouth. 

You never would have taken her for a messy eater, but you notice a bit of your own blood streaking down the collar of your sweater.

"Please, Keep It. I Was Going To Give It To You Anyways. I Can Try To Wash It If You'd Like, But Blood Is Kind Of A Bitch To Get Out Of Clothing." That won't be necessary. The night is too cold to not wear something, you now realize. Kanaya beams at you proudly, like she taught you a lesson. "Yes, That's Right. It Is Yours, Then. It Has Your Own Blood On It After All"

You touch your neck a bit to make sure that it's ok, and you then realize some of Kanaya's lipstick now marks your neckside. You look to her and her blush gets even darker. "Haha, It Would Be Funny If Marking Articles Of Clothing As Your Own Also Applied To People, But It Doesn't."

You still feel a bit woozy. Perhaps Kanaya DID go a little overboard, but you are still glad you were able to satiate a friend's bloodthirst. You start falling asleep, not only because of the blood loss but also because it is simply late at night. You curl up on the rocking bench and Kanaya invites you to sleep on her lap while she continues to knit into the night.

\--Smooch Achieved, In A Way. Bluh Bluh--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thaaaaaaaank you again for reading! :D Please leave any and all critiques or comments down below.


	4. The MSPA Reader is Mauled By A Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's Smoochstuck chapter. I mean the title says it all. <:B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late entry! Please enjoy! :D

->Wake

You open your eyes slowly, adjusting to the fact that it is suddenly daytime. Kanaya appears to have gone inside while you slept, because she isn't on the same bench with you and you now have the now-finished quilt she was knitting covering you. Combined with the warm rays of the sun and your sweater, it's just warm and cozy enough to make you not want to move, but not so warm that you need to get out of there. It is Fall and/or Winter, after all. 

However, you start to feel like you're overstaying your welcome, and you start to get up. When you do, you hear a voice that for sure isn't Kanaya's. Kanaya's voice is soft and nice, like a hug from your mom. This voice is coarse, stressed, and like a hug from your estranged sibling that you were separated from at birth. Awkward.

"HOLY SHIT, KANAYA WAS RIGHT. YOU LOOK SO FUCKING WEIRD. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN *FROM*? WHAT ABSOLUTELY FUCKED ECTOBIOLOGIST SPILLED GRUBSAUCE ON *YOUR* GENETIC MATERIAL???" Wow, and it's rude, too. You make an offended face, to which the voice replies: "LOOK BUDDY I'M JUST CALLING IT LIKE I SEE IT, OKAY? I'D KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT SPOTTING HIDEOUS EYE-BULGING MUTANTS."

->See who this rude ass is

You toss off the quilt in a huff and look up to see the one and only Karkat Vantas. Of course, who else could have tossed out swears so haphazardly. You only READ Homestuck, so it is a little odd adjusting to putting voices to text you've read. For the most part, however, you think the voices suit the characters pretty well so far.

Back onto Karkat, he looks at you with as much astonishment as in his voice. While you're still offended, it IS true that something like you is not native to this world, and so his shock is a little justified. You try to explain that you are a human, but he cuts you off. "OH HELL NO. NO FUCKING *WAY* THAT'S TRUE. LOOK, I THINK HUMANS ARE UGLY. AND I MEAN *U-G-L-Y*. WITH THEIR WEIRD SMOOTH TEETH AND GROSS, SOFT, SKIN. IT'S SICKENING, I KNOW. BUT EVEN *THEY* COULD NEVER LOOK NEARLY AS MALNOURISHED OR WEAK AS *YOU* DO." he... yells? His harsh voice indicates that he's supposed to be yelling this at you, or at the very least talking loudly, however he's carrying on as if this is just some small talk he does on a regular basis. When you read his all-caps text, you kind of assumed that was just to *invoke* anger but... now you're wondering if that's just how he is all the time???

You try to blurt out some response about being from space, or something to save your goddamn ass, when Kanaya opens the door behind you, poking her head out. She has a pensive look on her face, and her eyebrows are furrowed into a look of concern. 

"Karkat Please At Least TRY To Keep Your Voice Down. You're Going To Scare Away All The Animals Within A 10 Mile Radius. As A Vampire Living In The Woods I Kind Of Don't Want My Only Safe Source Of Food Scurrying Off." She says pointedly, while rolling her eyes. You look to Karkat and see him... looking... ashamed? Of talking loudly? You never thought you'd see the day.

"Yeah, alright. I can cut it out. Sorry." he says bashfully, like he'd been scolded by his own mother. Kanaya reassures him so he doesn't look so much like a sad sack and returns inside. Karkat isn't looking at you, but starts speaking.

"Hey, uh, sorry about all that stuff I said before. I mean, you ARE one of the most hideous things I've ever seen, but..." he trails off, and looks at his hands. He chuckles. "You don't even crack my top 5, man." That apology didn't really feel like an apology, but you accept it anyways. You ask Karkat what he's doing over at Kanaya's, and his face goes red and scrunches up.

"FIRST OF ALL, THAT ISN'T ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, AND SECOND OF ALL, IT'S CALLED WANTING TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FRIEN-" He looks up at the window, as if Kanaya's staring daggers at him THROUGH the house. "-duh... I'm... I'm just visiting, is all. I like to come out here and chat with her when I get in my... moods. It doesn't fix it all the time but it... helps. We just got done." 

You have an idea of what he means, but you don't say anything of course. Honestly at this point you not saying things is starting to become a defining character trait. You're like one of those cool silent main characters in video games that the audience can project themselves onto. You nod and say it must be nice to have a friend with a cabin in the middle of nowhere to get away from it all. Karkat makes a grunting noise, and then agrees. Weird.

After a while, Karkat asks you the same thing. "Why are YOU here at Kanaya's? Is this like a weird rainbow-drinker weekly fill or something? Should I expect to see you around every monday getting your veins drained by my friend?" As much as you'd like to answer that question with a resounding "Yeah, Kanaya's sucking me off" you have to admit you only came here from the bright light of her rainbow drinker skin. You don't want to be accused of being a moth since you're not a troll or a human, so you say that you are also friends with her. Karkat scoffs at that.

"How the hell did that lady manage to make a friend out here in bumfuck nowhere..." he grumbles under his breath, smiling. He seems glad that his friend is still in contact with some kind of intelligent lifeform, if Karkat would even call you that. He sits there quietly, seemingly deep in thought, until Kanaya returns outside, with something in hand. It looks like a bag lunch. 

"Alright, Here's The Bit Of Spare Sopor Slime You Asked For. I'm Sorry That I Couldn't Get More But-"

"It's fine, it's fine. I don't need too much. Thank you." Karkat interrupts curtly. He seems to be in a rush to leave. He reaches for the bag, but Kanaya seems to have caught onto the same thing you have. She grabs Karkats hand and pulls him into a tight hug, too fast for either of you to register.

"It Was Good To See You Again, Karkat. Please Don't Be A Stranger. I Love You." She whispers. When they pull back from one another, she moves his scruffy hair and kisses his forehead. Karkat begins blushing again, and mumbles an "I love you too.", which Kanaya smiles at.

He turns to walk away. You think you hear him mumble a bye to you, but that was even less audible. You begin folding the quilt Kanaya had put on you, when she turns to you after watching Karkat disappear into the woods. 

"Could You... Go Follow Him?" She asks. You sure could! You've kissed girls under trees, had your blood drained under an awning, who's to say you couldn't follow and kiss a boy in the middle of the woods? Though, you are wondering about the why. Kanaya looks down and gets that worried look again.

"I Don't Know. I Just Worry About Him Hurting Himself Out There Sometimes. It's Not As Dangerous As Alternia Was But..." she pauses for a moment. She goes to pick up the quilt, but stops just before grabbing it. "I Don't Know. Are You Really Going To Pass Up An Opportunity To Follow And Possibly Kiss Karkat? I Don't Think You Would Want That. His Lips Are Very Soft." She says sharply. You have to admit, the woman knows you. You nod and set off in his direction.

After a bit of traipsing through the woods, you manage to see Karkat for brief flashes before he gets lost in more trees. You sprint to catch up with him, but that proves difficult. It seems like... he's getting faster? If you didn't know any better, you'd think he was trying to get away from you.

Soon you realize that he is. Karkat looks back at you on occasion and you can see some fear and confusion amidst the normal stares of contempt. A little while you hear him shout back "WHY ARE YOU FUCKING FOLLOWING ME YOU GODDAMN WEIRDO??? DID KANAYA SEND YOU OR SOMETHING." You admit that, yes, she did. He stops, and turns around to you.

"YEAH, WELL. I DON'T NEED YOU TO CHAPERONE ME AS I TAKE A NICE STROLL THROUGH THE WOODS BACK TO MY HI- HOME. MY HOME." He yells. Kind of. His arms are crossed and he looks... well, you wouldn't categorize the face as "angry", but... more like "grumpy". Quite frankly, it's adorable. His cheeks puff out and he blushes a little, likely from his constant shouting. Sometimes he grinds his teeth together. You walk closer to him and tell him that you also simply wanted to see him some more. 

"YEAH WEL- yeah, well... uh... thanks. I guess. I don't know you, though. Kinda weird you wanna mack on me already. Didn't you see how awful I am back at Kanaya's?" he says, smiling a little. You vaguely remember Karkat getting to go on long rants about how awful he was in memos and chats to no one. He must be reminiscing, even if those times are a little hard to think about. You try and reassure him that you think that he probably isn't such a bad guy, and that the loudness and anger is just a mask to protect himself from-

Karkat throws his hands up in disdain. "JESUS CHRIST SHUT THE FUCK UP. I AM SO TIRED OF EVERYONE TRYING TO PSYCHOANALYZE ME AND MY RANTING LIKE IM SOME SOFT BABY WHO'S IN CONSTANT PAIN AND NEEDS LIKE. A HUG OR SOMETHING. I MEAN, I *PROBABLY AM* THAT, OR SOMETHING TANGENTIALLY RELATED, BUT WHO THE FUCK ARE ANY OF YOU TO TREAT ME LIKE IM SOME KIND OF GODDAMN WOOLBEAST WHO NEEDS TO BE CODDLED AND PROTECTED FROM THE SEVERAL FEROCIOUS BARKBEASTS OUTSIDE MY GATE. MAYBE IT'S ME. *I* AM THE BARKBEAST. AND FURTHERMORE-" Karkat's speech is cut short by the fact that a large bear heard his yelling, and took that as a sign of a wounded animal, and presumably a free meal. Karkat screeches in shock. 

The bear roars a deep, bellowing roar. It feels as if the earth is shaking. It's a very large bear. And it heard food, so it's taking one of you as food. Karkat has run over to where you are, and stands next to you. You aren't sure if he's actually ready to fight, but he does suddenly seem to have a sickle in hand. At the very least, he looks the part. The bear sniffs around, apparently trying to gauge whether or not you two are worth extending the effort of mauling. 

It charges forward. I guess you are.

You and Karkat run in opposing directions. The bear misses both of you, thankfully. You try and keep your eyes on Karkat, and you can see him duck into a bush. You follow suit. 

The bear seems to lose sight of the both of you, but it's still sniffing around. You try your best to stay still and not sweat a lot, as to not stink too bad. You look over to Karkat and see him freaking the fuck out. He watches the bear intensely, fear in his eyes. You try and get his attention, to motion him to move in the direction of home and away from the bear, but he doesn't even look your way. He is too scared.

This is awful! Thanks to this stupid bear, you are now even FURTHER from Karkat and his lips (which you have heard are quite soft.) You want to just kind of... jump over into Karkat's bush. But that may alert the bear to where you are. As of right now, you think that it's lost you. That thought is thrown out the window when it looks to Karkat, and smells his fear. It begins to stomp over to him. He looks like he's going to piss himself.

Without thinking, you toss yourself out of hiding and begin making as much noise as possible, trying to find some things to toss at the bear's back. This ends up working, and the bear turns to you. You did not think this far ahead. 

The bear lunges at you in a rage, and, well, it thrashes your ass. First you're slapped with its paw, then it tries to bite your arm... really, it is not a pretty sight. Luckily this is a dating/romance fanfiction and not a horror fanfiction, or else i'd have to go in a lot more detail. Eventually it kind of loses interest in you, and walks off. Apparently Karkat was right; you are so freakishly abnormal and out-of-this-world that even animals don't want to eat you. Cool????

When you're both certain the bear has walked off in Kanaya's direction, (which you're not too worried about; you're pretty sure that she built that cabin herself with her own chainsaw. Also she's a vampire) Karkat runs toward you. At first all he does is look at you with horror and some type of anger you haven't deciphered yet, all the while making noises that could possibly attract another hungry animal. Then he starts speaking. 

"I- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD FUCKING DO THAT. WHAT IN GOD'S REVOLTING NAME WOULD COMPEL YOU TO JUST. TRY AND DO SOMETHING SO UNCEREMONIOUSLY STUPID. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ALMOST MADE ME WATCH YOU DIE. DID YOU *KNOW* THE BEAR WOULD LOSE INTEREST IN YOUR FREAKISHLY DISCOLORED CARCASS OR- NO, THERE'S NO WAY. ARE YOU JUST AN IDIOT??? IS THAT WHAT I'VE GOT IN MY HANDS HERE. OH MY GOD YOU'RE BLEEDING SO MUCH WE NEED TO GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL OR SOMETHING-" 

He pauses, and a blush creeps onto his face. "Oh... my god. I'm sorry I uh- I've been shouting so much... that's kinda what got us into this mess... ugh." He mutters, before slumping down on the ground in a huff, holding his head. "God, this is so hard. You ask him what he means.

"Being... me. It's so fucking difficult here. I used to be able to shout from the rooftops and not have to worry about a goddamn thing but here there's stuff to worry about. When I played SGRUB everything was so simple. Cut up bad guys, and I'm allowed to be loud and cantankerous. But, I dunno." He takes whatever Kanaya handed to him out of the bag. It's a bottle of green slime, which you assume to be sopor slime. He opens the bottle and sticks two fingers inside, before going to apply it to your wounds.

"I guess this place is like, where I'm meant to be. I'm a peaceful leader guy, and I've never really been one to jump headfirst into fights or anything." He looks at your bites and scratch marks. "...evidently. But like, I still wanna SHOUT, and bang on my computational typing devi- my KEYBOARD. FUCK. AND I WANT TO SAY "WEIRD STUPID LONGWAYS TROLL WORDS" SOMETIMES, BECAUSE I LIKE SAYING THEM." he starts shouting again. He looks to you like he's going to apologize again, but you say that it's ok. Sometimes even you feel like screaming your head off. He nods vehemently.

"RIGHT??? LIKE, JUST BECAUSE WE'RE OUT OF THE GAME AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT IS DONE, DOESN'T MEAN ALL MY PROBLEMS SUDDENLY WENT AWAY. SOMETIMES I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!! AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS!!!" he roars, not unlike the bear you just evaded. He sounds happy, though. You don't think he means that, he just... likes hearing himself talk. Which is fine, since he's not really hurting anyone right now. Speaking of hurting, you realize you aren't anymore! He seems to have finished while he was talking, which is odd. You expected some kind of burning or stinging when the treatment was applied, but it seems like he talked you right through it. 

"WOW, THIS FEELS REALLY *GOOD*. I MEAN, I KNEW THAT IT WOULD, BUT NO ONE'S EVER LET ME TALK FOR THIS LONG BEFORE. KANAYA WAS RIGHT YOU'RE A GREAT LISTENER. AGAIN I'M SORRY FOR INSULTING YOUR FREAKISHLY PALE, DISGUSTINGLY THIN BODY. APPARENTLY YOUR BEST BODY PART IS YOUR EARS- I MEAN, YOUR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS." he says triumphantly, patting your shoulder. "I'M GLAD YOU FOLLOWED ME ALONE INTO THE WOODS, STRANGER. YOU SHOULD DO THAT MORE OFTEN." You plan on it!

You have been looking at Karkat's mouth the entire time he's been talking. There, I said it. We were both thinking about it. It's kind of impossible NOT to. His lips must be... strong. When they're flapping like that so often, and at such a volume. With his hand on your shoulder, you want to pull him into a smooch, but you also don't want to ruin the one moment of him complimenting you. Karkat takes the reigns and pushes forward and kisses YOU. Woah, what a leader!

He pulls back. "SHIT- SORRY. HEAT OF THE MOMENT. ALSO LIKE, I'M NOT USED TO EMOTIONAL INTIMACY, SO ANY SEMBLANCE OF THAT KINDA GETS LUMPED IN WITH THE REDROM STUFF-" you cut him off by kissing him again. He has no problem with this. 

The first time you kissed, he felt about as nervous as he sounded. The second time, he's downright... submissive. It would appear that while he's able to make the first move, whatever happens after he leaves to the other side. Which you have little problem with. Since you're both on the forest floor, you lean on him a little, and he grunts as he smooches and supports both your weight. He kisses with about as much passion as you'd guess. A lot. He's also the first character to propose french kissing! Hurrah, you're moving up! 

His tongue is surprisingly soft. and it's as shy and wary as it's owner (do tongues have owners?) You easily take control of it and leave him whimpering. He seems to be holding onto you tightly, because when you try and separate for a breather, you can't. Even for the weak ones, trolls are surprisingly strong. Especially in moments of desperation. You pat his face with your free hand and he knows what to do. When you see his face again it's blushing like mad and panting for dear life.

"HAHA... MAN I'M GLAD I CAME TO GET THAT SOPOR SLIME, HEH..." he says, looking away bashfully. You HAVE been wondering what the hell he even needs that for. He looks a bit more serious. 

"ITS- it's for a friend. It's, uh, complicated." You think you know who that friend is. Who else would need a bit of spare sopor slime in the mythical paradise planet that is Earth C? You decide to not press for further answers. Karkat wipes his mouth on his sleeve and gets up, then helps you up.

"HEY. THANKS. FOR UH, EVERYTHING. WOW THAT SOUNDED FUCKING STUPID. I THINK I'M HANGING OUT WITH JADE A LITTLE TOO MUCH. THAT HUMAN NICENESS SHIT IS RUBBING OFF ON ME." he chuckles. You do too, but for a different reason.

He asks you if you would want to come visit his home, since it seemed like you didn't have a place to stay at. You decline, because there are simply too many lips out in this world that you must smooch. Staying in one place just isn't your style. 

Karkat looks at you like the weirdo you are, and walks off into the trees. You pick another direction, and walk off as well.

\--KISS ACHIEVED, FUCKASS!!!---


	5. Easy as Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane's Smoochstuck chapter. This one'll be a piece of pie! :B

Dawn breaks. You see the sun rise over the forest you just escaped from. You are dead tired from the walk, but also almost dead too! That bear mauling healed up just fine, but golly if your brain wires weren't on edge the entire time you were walking out of there. Sopor slime sure can heal a lot, but it can't heal flight-or-fight instincts going haywire. You need to relax. Badly.

Luckily, you finally made it back to town. Hopefully, bears can't attack you here.You are about to look for a bench or bus stop to rest on, when you notice something rather big. Across the street from you is a crowd of people, all clamoring and a few of them taking photos. The building they gather around has a big "GRAND OPENING" sign on it.

The building itself looks to be some kind of bakery. Crockercorp, you assume. Because what other brand would it even be? You're pretty sure that, in the entirety of Homestuck, one of the only food brands ever mentioned was Betty Crocker's. It would be foolish to think it could be anyone else.

Plus, there's like, a giant red fork as the sign. Wait a minute...

There's someone familiar UNDER that red sign. Jane!

You remember Jane. The poor girl who... well. Had some boy troubles, really. That's about the extent of her issues pre-sburb, and then she was mind controlled and... hm. You know, not to compare tragedies, but you now realize Jane kind of had it easy when she was a kid, and growing up. Jake grew up on an island all alone with dangerous lusii and a fight-crazy boyfriend robot, Roxy was addicted to alcohol and cripplingly lonely, and Dirk hates himself and is SURROUNDED by versions of himself, all the while being in the middle of an ocean and also having boy troubles. Jane, uh. Was the heir to a company and kind of couldn't tell a boy she likes him. It's not really a surprise she's a ruthless businesswoman. She didn't have it very hard growing up.

But epilogue-musings aside, Jane is giving some lame speech about the importance a wholesome family-friendly image is to Crockercorp, and you're not taking any of it. Technically, since this is the beginning of Earth-C, she hasn't really done anything especially evil yet, but you've seen into the future. Kind of. Perhaps in this off-shoot timeline things are different?

Suddenly Jane looks at you. She smirks, and beckons you forward, and for some odd reason you're compelled to go to her. You don't know what she wants, or why, but you feel compelled to go to her. Maybe it's plot reasons? Or some kind of network of Crockercorp mind control devices being dispersed in the water?? Or maybe because you tend to be a bottom-heavy switch???

Either way, you're already there. Right at Jane's side while she talks about... you, probably. You weren't listening. You try to tune in and get the gist.

"...and who better to represent our company's themes of togetherness than the friendliest person on Earth-C! Besides me, of course! Hoo hoo!" She finishes. What? Represent?? You sure don't REMEMBER signing up to represent a secretly evil baking corporation in exchange for love and a discount for baked goods. However, you really don't doubt that that's something you'd do, and now a small part of you is wishing that you had the chance. Suddenly you're a lot more on board with this! You bow politely as Jane presents you to the crowd.

The response is actually quite positive! Many people clap and cheer, although you can hear a few confused murmurs and "Who is that again..?"s among the crowd. Generally though, people see you as the friendly face that you, admittedly, are. Despite your endeavors nowadays being more focused on romance, really any attention will do for you. Especially when it's in this amount. Basically that means that, yes, you ARE letting this go to your ego. 

You are snapped out of the loving and confused crowd when Jane pats your back to get your attention. You look up at her (yes you have to look up, because she is never not wearing heels) and she nudges her head back, implying she wants you to go into the store. You are not one to disobey.

As you make your way through the door, you start thinking about how... assertive, Jane is. She stands tall and confidently. Really like nothing you've ever seen aside from the Condesce herself, which makes sense, you suppose. Jane is a woman with a plan, and the means and drive to do that plan with. If you can find nothing else to admire about her, there is that. And it's crazy hot. The way her suit stays smooth and ironed, even when she does things that should so clearly wrinkle it, how she's somehow willed her overbite to not impede her speech at all, and... well, you're just a sucker for red lipstick. 

You stand in the empty bakery. Aside from the strange "motivational" posters, the lights being off, and... excessive use of red, it's quite a nice place. Even though no one's baking, you can smell the faint scent of ingredients in sweet harmony. Maybe there's a cake or something to celebrate in the back? You suppose you'll find out. For now you just wait for Jane to come inside, which she does not do for some time. She appears to be answering interview questions, a saccharine smile still on her face all the while.

Eventually she finishes up, steps down from the podium, and enters the building to approach you. She doesn't lose her smile but she has a different... aura. As the audience/author self insert, you have a sense for these things.

"Well, aren't we lucky we found you scootin' about town today! Of all days!" She says, winking at you. Goodness, for a dictator-to-be, she's cute. You do agree that it was quite advantageous of her to use you in a publicity stunt. She only puts a hand on her chest and looks proud of herself more.

"Well, I'll be damned... I guess Jadey was right when she said you were a little charmer, hm? Hoo hoo! But really, I'm flattered that you're so impressed with my opportunistic nature. It's just something you pick up in this kind of business, you know?" She talks so... kind. Sort of motherly. Like Kanaya if she was into baking and southern. It throws you for a bit of a loop.

You are thrown into even more loops when she approaches you, her expression now more... sinister? It happens so fast it's hard to register. How can she walk that smoothly in heels???

She puts a hand on your head, slowly moving it to cup your cheek. "And, I'd say she was right about you being a little cutie, too." She winks again, and you notice she's moved all the way down to your chin. Jesus she is forward.

"So I don't doubt that a little cutie-pie like you would have any problem working with my company, would you?" No ma'am. "Good! That's so good. Then again, I didn't think that you would. You're an obedient little thing, hm?" You're blushing a lot. It's a little hard to get a word in, with how much she's talking and the position you're in. You try to answer, but just make a sound.

"Ah, you must be surprised. Yes, in the past I had a tendency to... beat around the bush, so to speak. I'm done with that. For good." She says, and NOW her eyebrows furrow, and her lips curl down into a frown in reminisce. You do have to admit, it was hard to watch the worst confession in the world. Even Eridan didn't fumble as bad as she did, goal-wise. She hasn't let go of your face.

"I know what you are. Or at least, what you want." She leans down a bit to get her face closer to yours. She's smiling again. "You've already gotten around town quite a bit, hm?" You aren't sure if she means figuratively or literally, but both are true either way. You just nod.

She gets really close. Your lips almost touch, but she seems to be holding back on purpose. "Then all you need to do is... cut some cake."

Oh, uh. Aight.

She pulls back and lets go of your face. You can breathe again. "Alright! I'll go in the back and bring it out!" She says, suddenly chipper, and walks into the back. You're still confused, but at least this is a pretty clear-cut (haha) method of getting a kiss. You're not sure if you'll live through it, though. You're still standing there, all nervous. You look out the window to see if anyone can see you right now, or if anyone saw that entire exchange. Apparently not. Some clown entertainers arrived and stole the show from you and Jane's little exchange. Phew.

Jane returns, wheeling in a pretty large cake that she almost absolutely baked herself. It says "Grand op-Ening!" which makes you feel a little uneasy. At least it looks tasty. "I know, right!" she says, cheerily. Girl's got confidence up the wazoo.

You walk with Jane as you help wheel the cake out to the front to present to the public. She didn't ask you too, but you felt a strange obligation to do so. She was a little surprised at your eagerness to help. You... aren't sure if this is due to how YOU are or how JANE is. Perhaps a mixture of both. When you finally get to the front, the clowns cease their performance. It looks like it was getting pretty intense. You think you saw some fire and baby-juggling. Huh.

Jane starts talking very loudly again. "And to commemorate both the opening of this new bakery and my new spokesperson, I have baked a cake for just this occasion! As a symbol of our partnership, my spokesperson will cut the first piece!" The crowd cheers, even louder than when Jane had presented you. You cannot believe that you got your thunder stolen from you by cake. You're gonna enjoy cutting the attention-stealing bastard.

Speaking of which, Jane hands you a knife to do just that. You have little experience cutting cakes, save for the occasional birthday party. But it can't be too hard to do, right? Just make sure everyone gets an equal amount, and everything is gravy. Except the cake. 

But... you feel a strange pressure. Like someone will kill you for messing this up, even a little bit. You realize this pressure is coming from behind you. It's Jane. She's staring daggers at you, but in a very passive aggressive way. Like a PTA mom at a meeting talking about all the other PTA moms. It's terrifyingly fake, but the audience doesn't seem to notice it, likely because they're not right next to her. You are, though, and you're feeling the full brunt of the blow. You doubt messing up a cake cutting will seriously damage yours or her reputation that much, and Jane could easily save the situation with some more nice, fake words. But she is a perfectionist with rather high standards. You know that much. She'd much prefer the best possible outcome.

And THAT's what makes you think you're going to mess up. You're starting to shake under her gaze. You think she can see it. Everything feels like it's in slow motion. Suddenly, you feel a body way closer to your back than before. Arms wrap around yours. They're in the sleeves of a familiar red suit.

"Let me help you with that, dear. Hoo hoo." You hear whispered into your ear. Jane guides your hands to cut the cake. You aren't sure from her tone whether she's upset or she's flirting with you, but you kind of wish she would never let go. Even with her suit on, she's so soft and warm. Her hands keep you steady, and you cut just fine. You feel otherworldly calm as she helps you. As if all your prior anxieties and worries about doing anything wrong ever simply went away. You REALLY hope she's not upset, because you're very vulnerable right now.

When you're done, and she steps back, you return to Earth. Anxieties and worries return as normal, and your stress from earlier is a bit more prominent too. You almost lean back on instinct in order to remain in contact with her. Instead, you take the piece of cake and hand it to the first person who asks for one. You step back, and let Jane do the rest. Your brain's a little fuzzy, so you can't make out her expression. You guess you'll just wait.

Some time passes, sort of in a blur. Reporters and passersby get cake and eat, the clown performers resume their on-fire baby-juggling or something, and you even get some cake of your own. It's as heavenly as you imagined it. You want to commend her for her baking skills, but you're worried that she's upset at you or something for almost (or rather, THINKING about almost) janking up that minor thing. A voice jolts you out of your thoughts.

"Excuse me, may I speak to you in private?" What do you know! It's Jane. The only person who's been talking to you all day so far. Oddly enough no one has been talking to you this entire event. They've been too busy schmoozing on OTHER popular people. That's fine, whatever. You nod and follow Jane behind the building. Even the back is surprisingly clean. 

Jane looks you up and down. Her stance, even now, makes you feel nervous. "...good job today." Woah. That rejuvenating calm feeling returns for a moment, and startles you a little.

"I mean, pretending to be nervous and scared just so *I* could help you?? Genius. It really gives off the impression that I'm a real caring figure, you know? You're pretty good at the helpless act. Not TOO pathetic, but just enough to make people want to squeeze your little cheeks." Oh. Well, a compliments a compliment, you suppose. You leave out the part about you not pretending. You accept her praise, and she moves closer to you. Here it comes.

"Of course, dear! I may be a strict businesswoman, but..." Even closer now. You flinch a little inside everytime you hear her heels against the floor. "I always reward those that go above and beyond for my sake. Now, about that thing you wanted..." She holds your head again, but... she moves her hand to the back of your head. What is she-

She pulls your head closer to hers, tangling her fingers through your hair. She kisses aggressively, but neatly. She's clearly overpowering you, but you get the feeling she's also trying to be careful as to not smudge her lipstick. You suppose she does have to go back out there after this. You try and keep up, but it feels like she's sucking the air right out your lungs. You can't even move your own body; she's wrapped one of her legs around yours. 

She pulls back, if only to give you a breather and for her to speak."You know, you could do this all the time." She notices your confused expression. "I've been looking for a sort of... trophy partner. Someone who's nice and sweet, like me!" She sticks her tongue out and winks, making you wonder if it IS a pretty good idea. You're nice, and you probably taste sweet. But...

You don't want to be a trophy kind of significant other. You'd prefer if you kept your smooches with Jane in secret, since you have a lot more faces to kiss. She sighs, though seemingly not in frustration.

"Ah, and here I thought you were a pliable little thing. You really would've made a great trophy husband/wife. Whatever you are. If I don't have one by the time you change your mind, give me a call." 

She pulls you in for one last deep, air-restricting kiss. This time, however, you think you feel something stab through the back of your neck. At the same time, Jane prods her tongue into your mouth, and asserts herself over you even more as she wraps her tongue around yours. Your neck only pinches for a second, and then the feeling is washed away by Jane dominating your mouth. You get lost in the feeling.

And then, wordlessly, she disconnects, pats your head with a smile, and walks back to the front, back to her work. She waves goodbye behind her as she fixes what little of her outfit was ruffled, You still feel that warm feeling, but you can't help but feel sad at having to turn down her offer. She's pretty fucking loaded. You speculate you would've been pampered beyond belief. However, the life of a Smoocher is an arduous and lonely one, ironically. It is the burden you must bear. 

You rub the back of your neck. Did something happen there? You forget. You head in the opposite direction she did, to not arouse suspicion, and make your way downtown, walking fast. Looking for the next plot-relevant lips.

\--OBEY,Smooch SUBMIT, achieved! CONSUME.--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Author here. Thanks to all the people reading and commenting on this! I very much appreciate you! :D


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